“Bitties In The BK Lounge” by De La Soul (1991)

“Bitties In The BK Lounge” is less a song than a song-length skit that has three distinct movements. Whatever. It’s awesome.

In the first portion of the song, Dave/Dove/Trugoy finds himself heading to a Burger King and being treated rudely by the person taking his order. Deciding to play the celebrity card, Dave takes off his hat and reveals his dreadlocks, only to be mistaken for Tracy Chapman. Defeated, he decides he’d be better off getting pizza. There were a lot less musicians with dreadlocks back then.

Part two features the first beat change (switching to the Lou Donaldson sample made most famous by Brand Nubian’s “Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down”. Posdnous plays the character of a BK employee, engaging in an all-out verbal war with a hood rat customer. The exchange is hilarious, if all too real–I’ve experienced my share of back and forth with customers as a 10-year retail vet. Even though Pos goes in on his customer’s relationship with the local crack dealer (and drops some semi-tasteless cow and Masengil jokes), the customer gets the biggest laugh of the song with the following stanza.

Are you a family man? Well I shouldn’t be surprised

Cause your sister’s flipping burgers and your momma’s frying fries

Oh damn look! Here comes one more

It’s your father, he just finished mopping the floor!

The first time I heard this exchange, I must have blacked out from all the laughing I did. Thinking of it even now (I can’t actually listen to it because most of De La Soul’s catalog isn’t on streaming services so I can’t access it remotely) makes me almost smile, which isn’t normally difficult but I’m in a pretty shit-tastic mood so take that into consideration.

Up until now, I didn’t realize Maseo had a part in “Bitties In The BK Lounge.” I could’ve sworn it was another track. At any rate, when the DJ starts rapping, it’s usually time to go. So I’m gonna just pretend that his (relatively inconsequential–it neither adds nor subtracts anything from the song) portion is the next track. Although from an instrumental standpoint, part 3-which samples Jimmy Spicer’s “The Bubble Bunch”-is actually kinda dope.

Also, Burger King has better fries than McDonalds. Although I can’t say I’ve eaten anything from either fast-food joint (aside from one or two McNuggets rampages) in a good four years.

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