“All The Things (Your Man Won’t Do) by JOE (1996)

A) Joe’s first album, Everything, came out in the fall of ‘93. Had one jammin’ single (”I’m In Luv”), one solid remix that sampled Toto’s “Georgy Porgy” (”All Or Nothing”), and the rest was wack. Album didn’t even hit the Top 100.

B) “All The Things (Your Man Won’t Do)” was a much better showcase of JOE’s talent. He’s a fantastic vocalist, a good songwriter, and a capable instrumentalist (not sure if he plays the guitar on this specific song, but I have seen him play acoustically and JOE definitely has the skills). It peaked at #2 R&B and got him a contract with Jive Records, which treated JOE way better than the label that put out Everything (Mercury) did.

C) “All The Things (Your Man Won’t Do)” was featured on the soundtrack for the Wayans Brothers vehicle Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood. As you might imagine, it’s a parody film. Also, great stoned watching. Smoke a J before you sit down and you will laugh yourself silly. Or laugh yourself into a catatonic state. A lot of factors at play here–quality and strain of weed, your general internal reactions to marijuana, munchies at hand, etc.

D) In the early-mid ‘90s, R&B became ALL about fucking, with a specific focus on cunnilingus. SWV’s “Downtown”, Silk’s “Freak Me”-songs very explicitly about oral sex that were not only #1 R&B singles, but hit the top 5 pop. Apparently, eating out was a taboo topic in the Black community for quite some time (remember Eazy’s “I might be a woman beater, but I’m not a pussy eater” line?) Then the Nineties came and the floodgates opened. Pun intended.

JOE is definitely on some freaky shit here (as if you couldn’t figure that out from the title.) Not only does he utilize a few cute metaphors when describing his sexual technique (”show me to the subway, I’ll go down” is my favorite), but my man promises he “won’t stop until I hear your momma scream”. I was stuck on that line for a number of years, like “my man really didn’t sing that, did he?” Because under what circumstance is making your jump off’s mom scream OK? Are you hitting Ma Dukes off too? Do you have a magic dick? Or is moms running up on your situation and screaming at you for getting up in her daughter’s guts? Joe Thomas, your listening public demands answers.

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